How fathers can build a meaningful connection with their children

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“There’s a social conditioning that mothers are the primary caregivers. They have gone through the stages of pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc., which naturally facilitates bonding with the child. On the other hand, fathers have for long been regarded as providers, rather than nurturers,” says clinical psychologist and relationship counsellor Deepali Batra, when asked if the stereotypes are true.

Which stereotypes, you ask? The ones that place fathers as the strict half of the two parents, with less bonding and minimal engagement with the child, and more traits of a disciplinarian. You must have seen this image in movies, maybe in real life too.

This mindset is not only a popular belief but has also materialised into the truth for many fathers who prioritise securing the future of the family during the child’s formative years, hence are not always available for the child.

“In my practice, I have met many men who are not emotionally expressive, because they have never had a male role model in their life who is comfortable showing vulnerability or is emotionally available for the child, especially in the growing years,” shares Riddhi Doshi Patel, a Mumbai-based child psychologist and parenting counsellor.

“Many fathers are not available during the formative years of the child due to demanding work schedules, and other reasons. Additionally, many think that the most important thing is for the mother to be there, which leads to both physical and emotional distance between the father and child,” she adds.

However, with a shift in parenting patterns in recent times, this mindset is also changing.

“Fathers want to be available for their children. They are taking leaves, participating in the upbringing of the child, and just being present in their child’s life,” Batra remarks.

Why is father-child bonding important?

It is crucial for children to have a strong bond with their dads for more reasons than one. According to mental health experts, the connection one has with their father not only helps in shaping their identity but also their psychology.

Patel reveals, “The children who have fathers who were emotionally involved in their upbringing tend to have higher self-worth, awareness and regulation of emotions and their relationships with people around them are generally healthy.”

This bond also plays a role in the child feeling safe, secure and comfortable. Additionally, it facilitates learning for a child as fathers are generally viewed as mentors. 

“Children usually look up to their fathers as mentors and learn a lot of life skills from them. The bond also plays a role in the academic and career success of the child. The more supportive fathers are, the more the children grow,” Batra explains.

Another important aspect is that the child observes how the father interacts with the mother, and learns from this behaviour.

Ways to strengthen the father-child bond

Given how important it is for children to have a healthy bond with their fathers, it becomes imperative for both sides to work on developing it. And this doesn’t always mean overt expressions of love and care. Sometimes, intentional gestures and conversations matter the most. 

For Mumbai-based finance professional Shreya Hundekar, attending Zumba or dance fitness classes with her father is the most special bonding experience.

“Dance is really close to me; it is the most special thing! And spending an hour or so just doing Zumba with my dad and dancing with him brings complete childlike happiness to me. I cherish those moments so much,” she expresses.

The 29-year-old also finds happiness when her dad makes her favourite chai, anda bhurji and bread butter for her whenever she visits her parents.

For 22-year-old Anushka Shisatkar too, the father-child bond finds special meaning through food. “My dad keeps sending me recipes of dishes he thinks I can cook under 15 minutes. He also keeps sending me reels of all the restaurants we can visit together when I come back home,” she shares.

“Also, he cooks whatever I want whenever I want it. If I am cooking something, he’ll come over and start prepping and completing steps I don’t want to, like cutting veggies or frying nuggets,” she adds.

Spending quality time is one of the most important ways to bond.

“There should be some rituals or activities that facilitate spending quality time with kids. This can be gardening, exercising, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. Additionally, fathers can look for common-interest activities and participate in them with their child. This can be drawing, cycling on weekends, visiting museums, community service, or even dancing,” Patel suggests.

Besides quality time, open communication, and intentional conversations and behaviour are also important.

“Fathers should have meaningful conversations with the child, about emotions and other important things. This facilitates emotional bonding. Additionally, show your vulnerable side to your child. They need to know that a father can also feel dejected and a father can also cry,” she adds.

Batra further states, “A child picks up how the father behaves with family members and other people around him. If fathers talk openly without judgement, it encourages open communication for the child,” adding, “Tight hugs are also important. A hug embodies the feelings of presence, security and protection.”

What if a conflict arises?

While taking steps to strengthen your bond is important, so is knowing how to navigate a conflict situation.

The experts have the following tips:

For fathers

• Children as young as 8 or 9 years old have a perspective now, and they want you to listen. So, listen with patience, pause and then respond. Don’t react immediately. Instantly correcting or disciplining them may backfire. Instead of blaming, shouting, threatening, adopt a problem-solving approach.
• Whenever your child is upset, acknowledge their feelings. Use phrases like ‘I understand’, ‘Do you want to talk about it’, etc. Avoid judging your child. In some cases, their behaviour might be wrong but their emotions are valid.
• Apologise if you made a mistake. This can help your child open up more and also show that apologising is not a weakness.
• Work on yourself. If your emotions are well-regulated, your children will follow.

For children

• Use ‘I’ statements, instead of ‘you’ statements. For example, instead of saying “You were rude, hence I am behaving this way,” say “I feel hurt when you shout” or “I feel rejected when you don’t listen.”
• If there’s a heated argument going on, don’t react to the conflict and immediately get into solving it. Let things calm down, then explain your perspective. Don’t stretch, take some time and space.
• Talk it out, instead of blaming your father or parents. There needs to be an open communication channel.

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